


I fucking love you, bitch.

by lazystardust



Category: IT - Stephen King
Genre: Adult Eddie, Angst, High School, Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, Reddie, This Is Sad, au - no penywise, im warning yall, sorry richie is just really emo, this is Not a fix it fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-17
Updated: 2019-09-17
Packaged: 2020-10-20 06:09:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,124
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20670593
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lazystardust/pseuds/lazystardust
Summary: Richie does an exercise where he writes a phrase in his notebook every time he can't stop thinking about Eddie.Or, an AU where IT never existed.*internalized homophobia warning*





	I fucking love you, bitch.

**Author's Note:**

> sorry lmao i wrote this while crying

_ “I fucking love you, bitch.” _

A book slamming down on his desk startled Richie out of his trance as kids giggled and walked around him, exiting class. He quickly closed his notebook. The teacher passed an uncaring glance in his direction as he gathered his things and walked out of class. Fixing his disheveled shirt as he walked out, he ran into a body. Ready to accuse the person of being blind, he was met with a cute, crooked smile. The one that always makes his heart flutter. Eddie.

_ “This hurts.” _

Richie looked back up at him and laughed, gently shoving Eddie sideways. “The fuck ‘re you doing outside of my class, Eds?” Eddie gave him an annoyed look and continued to walk.

“You weren’t at your locker… and don’t call me Eds.” Eddie mumbled, shoving Richie back. “You’re a dumbass.” He said to Richie, running to meet up with the other losers outside.

_ “What gives you the right to make me feel this way.” _

Richie hated to admit it, but he was a bit of a poet. What good comedian can’t write, anyways? He knew he’d grown up to be the funniest and smartest comedian that definitely writes his own content. Richie tried writing a phrase down every time he couldn’t get Eddie off his mind. He tried this with with other subjects, too, but he would forget every few days and the exercises defeated itself. It wasn’t until Richie realized his thoughts about Eddie were so overwhelming that  _ this _ was what he needed to be writing about. Nowadays, he often wrote much more than one phrase each day. For a week, his last week of high school, his last week in Derry, he pulled out his notebook and wrote about Eddie. 

He hated it. Richie hated that he liked his best friend. Loved? Maybe. But he knew that he shouldn’t. It was wrong. Eddie was his best friend. A loser, like him. A boy. Richie hated how Eddie made him feel.

_ “I’m sorry.” _

Richie was a weirdo. He knew he was. He knew that if any of his friends knew how he felt- not about Eddie specifically, just boys- he knew they would never accept him. The losers club would revoke his access card. Eddie might hate him. Especially if Eddie knew how Richie found out he felt this way. If Eddie knew he’d never talk to Richie again.

Later that night, the losers were hanging out in the clubhouse. For the last time- maybe ever. So many of them were moving away this summer, Richie being the first one. As it got darker and colder, each kid eventually found their way home. Each of them save for Richie and Eddie. Eddie was laying in the hammock, Richie on the ground next to him. While Eddie looked up, Richie just stared at his face. 

_ “You deserve more than me.” _

“Do you think we’ll ever hang out again? Like, after you leave?” Eddie’s voice came out small, quiet. This came as a surprise to Richie, they were just joking around and jabbing insults to each other. He didn’t think this soft side of Eddie would pull on his heart even more. 

_ “Jesus Christ. _

It was silent for almost a minute until Richie piped up, “Duh, dumbass. When we’re adults we can choose where we live. All of us losers can buy a house or something.” It really did seem that simple. Richie thought if he lived with Eddie, though, he might die. Seeing him a few hours every day was already too much on his mind. If he had to live with Eddie, he knew he wouldn’t be able to stop himself from visiting him- one late night, when everyone else is asleep. He’d knock on Eddie’s door. Two full-grown adults. Eddie would invite him in and they’d sleep in the same bed that night and it’d just be that easy. Richie knew that could never happen, though. Eddie might realize what was going on, he’d shout at Richie, maybe tell everyone else and they’d kick him out. Richie would rather die than be rejected by Eddie. Or lose his friendship just because of some dumb feelings. 

_ “Go marry someone else.” _

Eddie was silent for a while after Richie’s answer. They were silent for the rest of the night. Richie was terrified of leaving. He could feel a hot tear streaming down his face as Eddie pulled him up onto the hammock with him. They didn’t speak. 

_ “So I can stop being a dumbass.” _

The next morning, Eddie wasn’t in school.

_ “It’s fucking dumb.” _

Richie got a taste of what the rest of his life would be like. Without Eddie. 

_ “I shouldn’t even like you.” _

The next day Eddie still wasn’t back. Richie thinks he’s avoiding him. He hates that Eddie doesn’t even like him as a friend anymore. 

_ “But I love you.” _

A few more days passed, Eddie didn’t show up until the last day of school. Richie added a lot more to his notebook by then. Richie never initiated a conversation, not even when they were paired up for a project in class. They were supposed to write about what they were excited about for summer. Neither of them had anything on their papers. Richie was sure Eddie hated him. School ended, and the losers met up in the clubhouse for the last time ever as a whole group. Richie tucked his notebook in his backpack, dropping it down at the entrance and threw himself on the hammock. The air was timid, they all knew this was the end of an era. Everyone wanted Richie to stay longer. Everyone wanted their last day to be one full of laughter and great memories, but Richie wouldn’t let it happen. He hasn’t even spoken to Eddie in days. In his mind, Eddie hasn’t spoken to him. He was sure Eddie was tired of him. He was sure the reason the air was thick was because everyone was eager for him to leave. He was the first one to turn in for the night, barely even whispering a goodbye before he grabbed his backpack and hoisted himself up and out of the clubhouse. Eddie followed him. Eddie followed deep into the forest, until Richie hastily turned around, tears running down his face. 

“The fuck d’you want, huh?!” The words coming out of his throat were shaky and croaked their way into a sentence. Eddie just stared at him. Richie couldn’t read him, so he turned back, but he was stopped. Eddie grabbed his arm, and pulled him into a tight hug.

Richie could hear Eddie’s voice falter. “Don’t forget me, okay Tozier?” He squeaked out, holding onto Richie. He didn’t know what made him pull away so far, whether it was fear, anger, sadness, or just because Eddie’s fingers brushed the back of Richie’s neck, but Richie yanked himself away. “Couldn’t ever” He mumbled to himself, turning and running.

\----

Richie left the next morning. Eddie couldn’t stop thinking about it. He remembered Richie’s face as he left, sad and broken. He also remembered the notebook. The small, black one that Richie always guarded so tightly. He tucked it away. Figured if he ever saw him again, he could give it back.

It wasn’t until a year later, on a necessarily lonely day in college, that Eddie cracked open the notebook. He felt guilty, but he missed his friends. He missed Richie. It was filled with miscellaneous sentences that made no sense. Some about how annoying Mrs. Jenkins was, others about Richie’s family. It seemed like a journal Richie put a lot of feelings into. Even so, after skimming, he couldn’t find his name, or any of the losers’, for that matter. He sighed and put it back in his desk.

Twenty six years later, Eddie revisited Derry. He had seen it on the news.  _ “Famous comedian from Derry, found dead in room: likely drug induced illness.”  _ Eddie ran. Ran until his heart couldn’t handle the cardio. He pulled out his inhaler and puffed, leaning against a fence. The fence. This was the kissing bridge. He remembered this place, kids used to come here and carve names here, but in his childhood it was mainly used by bullies like Henry to attack others. He collapsed against the bridge, letting tears run down his face. After a few hours, it was night time, and Eddie had calmed down a bit. He calmed himself by running his fingers along some of the carvings in the fence. That was when he saw it. “R + E”. He started crying again. Eddie knew this was likely just anyone with their initials, but he wished it was them. Both of them, together, carving their names into the kissing bridge. He could remember Richie’s young face so clearly right now. He pulled out the notebook again.

“Guess I never got to return this to you, huh?” He spoke to the carving, one hand on the notebook and the other brushing against the bridge. “I really tried to respect your privacy, man, but I just… I missed you.” He sighed. Eddie sat for a while more, and thought, he never finished reading it. There were a few more pages of writing that Eddie never got through. It felt too wrong reading Richie’s thoughts, but he figured it wouldn’t harm anyone now. He opened the notebook and flipped through the pages again. He picked up where he left off, chuckling softly atRichie’s miniscule issues he would write about. 

_ “The lunch sucked today.” _

_ “I really want to fucking sleep right now, not listen to this dumb lecture.” _

_ “I think my mom wants me to do my own laundry now.” _

_ “I fucking love you, bitch.” _

Eddie froze, taken aback. He wasn’t expecting this change, and his heart hurt even more now. He continued to read on, carefully. 

_ “I fucking love you, bitch. _

_ This hurts. _

_ What gives you the right to make me feel this way. _

_ I’m sorry. _

_ You deserve more than me. _

_ Jesus Christ. _

_ Go marry someone else. _

_ So I can stop being a dumbass. _

_ It’s fucking dumb. _

_ It really is. _

_ I shouldn’t even like you. _

_ But I love you. _

_ I fucking hate myself for that. _

_ It’s really hard to get through the day when you’re not here. _

_ It’s even harder when you are. _

_ Sometimes it hurts to look at you. _

_ I’ve almost kissed you a few times. _

_ I hate it. _

_ I hate liking you. _

_ I hate that I love you. _

_ I fucking shouldn’t. _

_ I know you don’t feel the same. _

_ That’s fine, I don’t expect you to like me. _

_ You’re not obligated just because I like you too. _

_ No. _

_ I’m fine with that. _

_ I just hate you because I feel this way. _

_ It’s really not your fault. _

_ It’s not. _

_ But here I am. _

_ I used to think it was different. _

_ That I liked you because I wanted someone. _

_ But I had people, and I still liked you. _

_ I do want someone. _

_ I want you. _

_ Fuck. _

_ I’m sorry. _

_ I just want it to stop. _

_ It’s been fucking years and I still feel the same. _

_ God, why. _

_ It’s not fair. _

_ It’s not fair that this is so strong. _

_ It affects me every second of every day.  _

_ It’s not fair that you are the center of my mind. _

_ It’s not fair that my heart speeds up when I see you. _

_ It’s not fair that my hands get clammy when you touch me. _

_ It’s not fair that my heart swells when you compliment me. _

_ It’s really not fair that I feel this way about you and you don’t even know. _

_ You shouldn’t know. _

_ If you knew it’d be over. _

_ Our entire friendship. _

_ It’d break my heart. _

_ I know it will. _

_ That’ll break me. _

_ So, you shouldn’t know. _

_ I’ll never tell you. _

_ I’ll just let it fester. _

_ Or hopefully falter. _

_ Dissipate. _

_ I want it to disappear. _

_ I want to be your friend. _

_ That’s it. _

_ I don’t want more. _

_ I don’t want to hold your hand. _

_ I don’t want to feel your laughs in my chest. _

_ I don’t want your smile to infect me. _

_ I don’t want to be with you. _

_ You don’t want to be with me. _

_ So there’s not an issue. _

_ We don’t want to be with each other. _

_ We’re just friends. _

_ I’ll find someone else. _

_ There’ll be someone else. _

_ Someone that steals my heart. _

_ That pulls me out of my head. _

_ That pulls me into their arms when I’m sad. _

_ I don’t need you. _

_ I don’t want you. _

_ Not like this, at least. _

_ I’ll never forget you, Kaspbrak.” _

Tears wet the pages of the late Richie’s notebook as Eddie clutched it with an inch of his life. “I’ll never forget you, Tozier.” He whispered to himself, hands shaking.


End file.
